Learning to listen.

Yep. But don’t we all already know how to listen, I hear you say.

To some extent yes of course. We listen in different ways in different context.

You listen to your boss differently than you listen to your mum. You listen to your colleague differently than your closest friend.

And you probably listen to your partner differently when you’re two years into a relationship than two weeks in.

When we encounter conflict, especially when we’re deeper into our relationships, our vulnerabilities a more quickly felt. The stakes are higher, and we’re often not listening to connect.

Especially in conflict, how often is what you’re saying not fully acknowledged and met instead by a defence, an accusation, a change of subject, a new opinion instead of curiosity about yours?

We listen or we pretend to listen, waiting for our chance to speak. Waiting for our chance to be heard.

One of the key skills I learned in my training as a coach, and often teach, is how to listen deeply and fully. I listen to ensure I understand what a person is saying, and to ensure they feel heard and seen, understood and validated.

It's a rich and deep experience to be heard and witnessed that way.

When we get into difficulties in our relationships often both partners stop listening deeply.

Not only do we want to be heard, we want to feel heard.

When we don’t feel heard we amplify - we talk louder, talk more, stonewall, mock, attack, defend. We insist on being agreed with. And round and round and round we go.

Because neither of us is feeling heard, neither of us is feeling validated, and neither of us feeling accepted.

The game becomes who is the loudest, the angriest, the most stubborn, the meanest, who will back down first.

do what now?!

The ninja move here, the best way to break this stalemate is for someone to actually listen. To listen deeply to understand and validate your partner’s experience.

Step 1

How do you even do that? Curiosity is key. Replace the need to be heard with curiosity and you’re taking a big step.

Be curious to really understand your partner’s experience, and validate them in it. Why are they feeling angry/sad/unseen/whatever it is? Burrow down until you really understand why their response makes sense for them (not you).

Step 2

The unexpected part of learning to listen was that I was also learning to listen to myself. I’m no superhuman. When I’m listening to someone I may have judgements coming up. Opinions on the tip of my tongue. Especially if I’m feeling blamed or criticized. I want to interrupt and defend or justify.

Instead I choose to put these aside so I can keep listening and stay curious.

Sometimes I’m putting these aside over and over again as I listen.

When you make this choice to listen and put your reactivity aside, the more you make this choice, the more you’ll develop the capacity to be with your own experience while you're listening to your partner say uncomfortable things about the relationship, things that are uncomfortable to hear about yourself, how you acted, how what you did impacted them.

[NOTE: I’m not saying to put up with insults or emotionality that makes you feel unsafe]

The challenge here is to listen when it feels exactly like the last thing you want to do. When Brene Brown talks about being in the arena, this is what she means. It’s desperately uncomfortable. It’s bloody and sweaty and gritty.

And I know what you’re thinking.

“She isn’t listening to me so why the hell should I listen to her?”

I so get this.

Why you?

Because you’re the one reading this. You’re the one seeking a different way.

And this is why it’s a ninja move, a deft aikido step. When we feel truly heard and understood we soften. Our nervous systems relax, our defences come down.

When you listen deeply to your partner they will soften and relax. And you know what we can do better when we’re relaxed?

Yep, we listen better.

To break the stalemate, it takes one of you to put your defences down and listen to understand and validate.

It’s a beautiful and necessary gift for your relationship. To listen deeply, to hold that space for one another was a couple. The more you do this, the more the foundation of your relationship will deepen and strengthen.

If you liked this you might like
You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married

Looking for guidance in your relationship?
Want to learn to listen better?

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MATT IS A RELATIONSHIP COACH TRAINED AND CERTIFIED BY JAYSON GADDIS AT THE RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL