The wonderful actress Kerry Washington pointed out that there’s only one letter difference between ‘parents’ and ‘partner’ - just switch out the s with an r and there you are.

It’s a simple and smart encapsulation of a truth that defines, for and better and for worse, our intimate relationships.

Just as we inherit our parents' eye colour or sense of humour, we also inherit their relationship patterns. It's like an invisible hand guiding us towards familiar dynamics, both the good and the not-so-good. 

I grew up in a household where most emotions were tamped down. My parents never shouted at each other, but there were tense, unresolved conversations and, looking back, what I can now see were undercurrents of loneliness, avoidance and resentment. 

For many of my teen years, I grew up in a constantly brewing storm that never broke, until they quietly announced their divorce to the surprise of literally everyone they knew, including me.

Despite having assured myself in the confidence of youth that I’d never have a relationship like my parents - mine would be exciting, passionate, hot and deep - I wouldn’t even ever get married I swore to myself - where do you think I found myself a few years later?

Married, post-honeymoon phase, in a marriage of tense, unresolved conversations with undercurrents of loneliness, avoidance and resentment. 

Yup.

So despite my fervent dreams of a different type of committed relationship, I had no real-life examples or tools to actually create that.

Add to this stew the emotional landscape of my ex’s parent’s relationship that she grew up with. Frequent, explosive, intense outbursts that quickly blew over. 

To me, outbursts of emotion felt chaotic and scary. To my ex, unexpressed feelings, especially anger, felt disconcerting and like she was living with a robot.

It was like two weather systems colliding but not merging.

When we’re unaware, we create what is familiar. 

Even when the familiar is uncomfortable, it is less confronting than change. 

Ever stayed in an unsatisfying job that depleted your energy and joy because at least it was familiar and predictable?

In your relationship, you might be echoing the patterns and dynamics you absorbed from your parent's relationship. 

The past influences the present in ways we never imagined, and remain invisible until we choose to see them.

…and remain unchanged until we choose to change them. 

The Ghosts of Relationship Past:

But awareness is key, my friend. By recognizing these echoes, we can consciously choose which patterns to embrace and which to leave behind.

The Familiar Dance:

Ever notice how you and your partner seem to perform an intricate choreography in your arguments or moments of tension? 

It's like a dance routine that's been passed down through generations (because where else did your parents learn it from?). The way you communicate, resolve conflicts, or withdraw can mirror what you witnessed growing up. 

Our parent's relationship becomes a script that often unconsciously shapes our own. We play out roles we saw modeled, whether it's becoming the peacemaker, the avoider, or the caretaker. 

Understanding this dance can help break the cycle and create healthier steps for the future.

Changing The Dance:

We have the power to change the steps.

By noticing these ingrained steps, and choosing different ones, we can build relationships based on our true desires and values.

By embracing growth, communication, and self-awareness, you can create a new dance of connection and fulfillment and create a relationship that's uniquely yours.

And if you’re a parent reading this, the steps that you dance are the ones that your children are learning (whether you want them to or not), so make it a wonderful dance (apologising when you step on each other's toes is a great start). 

Wishing you love and self-discovery.

Talk to me about having few fights and more intimacy. Book your free discovery call here.

Photo by Jenny Marvin on Unsplash