This one is mainly for the fellas, but ladies please take a read and pass this along to a man who might be interested.

I consider myself a recovering nice guy. What am I talking about here?

Many men, including me, were taught to put others first and to always be the strong one in our relationships. 

Doesn't sound too bad, right? 

But if by putting others first I'm stepping waaaay over my own needs AND getting resentful and maybe being a dick about it?

It feels really good to be appreciated, right? 

Carina, my partner, and I started sharing appreciations in the very beginning of our relationship and never stopped because it feels so good.

Do I ever get tired of hearing that I’m handsome and sexy?

Never.

Or appreciated for listening during a challenging conversation?

Nope.

The appreciations flow both ways, about how we look, feel, listen, show-up in times good and challenging. It never gets old.

I want to take a moment to talk about something that happens in every relationship: mistakes.

We all mess up sometimes. You do. I do. We say or do things that hurt our partners, and it's not a fun feeling.

But when you apologize, that's just the first step.

And it’s easy to bungle that first step - if you’re not aplogizing from a place of really understanding the impact of what you did. I mean truly, viscerally feeling the impact of what you’ve done, you’re just saying words.

If you’ve ever been dissatisfied with an apology, this is probably why.

Do you know what's not sexy? 

Being dragged kicking and screaming into couples coaching/counselling/therapy by your partner because you're too stubborn to take responsibility for your actions.

Let's face it, guys - we're not always the easiest to deal with in relationships. We have our own set of emotional baggage, communication issues, and insecurities.

I used to be the king of holding it all in, not talking about it, agonizing for days before bringing it up.

'It' could be something that was said or not said, a slight, an unmet need, or feedback that might be received as criticism.

I would hope that the desire to air it would magically disperse AKA disappear under the rug.

You’re talking with your partner.

He’s got his back to you as he washes the dishes.

What you’re talking about is important. You’re getting uh-huhs and mm-mmm, he’s even responding with comments that let you know he’s hearing you.

So why do you feel unheard?

Because someone hearing you and you feeling listened to are connected but different.

The wonderful actress Kerry Washington pointed out that there’s only one letter difference between ‘parents’ and ‘partner’ - just switch out the s with an r and there you are.

It’s a simple and smart encapsulation of a truth that defines, for and better and for worse, our intimate relationships.

Just as we inherit our parents' eye colour or sense of humour, we also inherit their relationship patterns. It's like an invisible hand guiding us towards familiar dynamics, both the good and the not-so-good. 

One of the biggest shifts about relationships I can share with you is that your relationship is a path.

A path to what?

The fairytale fantasy that so many of us are raised with is that our relationship will be fulfilling, rock solid, adventurous, sexy, and wild, inspiring - whatever's important to us will magically and perpetually be manifested by our choice of partner.

Wouldn't that be amazing?

When you step into growth-focused communities, whether it’s online or in person, working with a coach or a therapist, being in a group or reading stuff online, the phrase ‘doing the work’ comes up quickly and often.

But what does it mean?

In a nutshell, "doing the work" refers to some serious introspection. It's about taking a good, hard look at your patterns, habits, beliefs, and even your relationships.

I love being a dad. It’s brought so much joy, alongside a sense of deep purpose and identity.

I love being a dad, and I'm also relieved that my eldest is out of the home at university and he's almost not a teenager anymore. 

My daughter is 17, so she and I still have a ways to go and it’s a whole different trip.

I've felt the pressure to protect and provide, the confusion about how to parent, and the ongoing struggle it can be to show up as a dad, a partner, and at work day-in day-out.

A ridiculous number of years ago I was attending a workshop for people creating and building small businesses. 

One of the other attendees was an older guy (probably younger than I am today, now I think about it, it was that long ago). 

He loved his business idea and mansplaining why his business name was funny. He would express, actually declare, his opinions of various things.

Here's a story about me in a different phase of my life, in a whole different relationship.

We moved in together, split finances, bought a house, had kids.

All these things came from the relationship. They were supported by the relationship

BUT...

There's something wired into us that we're somehow failing if we have to ask for help or support.

There's fear that it shows weakness. And that our need for support might get used against us. The fear runs really deep and it stops so many men from reaching out, or accepting support when it's offered. It keeps us isolated and struggling.

Where did this belief come from?

I received some questions and reflections about last week’s post. 

Firstly, thank you.

Writing these posts helps me clarify my thoughts on things, but more than that it’s intended to offer thoughtful insight and support on your relationships. 

So, thank you for the warm glow of receiving your emails and comments that lets me know you’re reading it.

The gist of the feedback was ‘yup, putting a relationship on hold is a thing, because I’ve done it or experienced it’.

Then there was a question along the lines of, in our committed relationship ‘how do we know if our relationship is on hold?’.

I’ve been selected to speak at the M4: Men, Message, Mission, Movement Virtual Summit

The invitation is for me to ‘speak my truth’ for 45 mins and tell the journey of why I work with men, and support people in having more fulfilling relationships.

Now, I tend towards being an introvert (with flurries of extroversion 🕺). And I often find it uncomfortable to talk about myself, and share things about my life that paint me in a less than perfect light (recovering Nice Guy here).

You know that thing you’re scared of talking about with your partner? 

The thing you’re worried will set them off? That could start a fight? Or break the relationship?

It’s the thing that’s between you and the relationship you want.

In my line of work we call these things ‘withholds’.

Today, let's talk about the magic of appreciation in relationships.

One of the things I’m most grateful for in my relationship is the habit of appreciation Carina and I have created. Feeling appreciated and expressing our gratitude feels lovely every single time.

One of the reasons resentments fester in relationships is when people feel unappreciated and unseen. 

There was a time when I may have been cynical about appreciations. I mean, how many times do I need to say thank you for something that’s happening every day, and going to happen whether I verbalize my appreciation or not?

Netflix’s car-crash dating show Love Is Blind provides such a rich insight into relationships. You don’t have to be watching the series to get what I’m talking about here, so read on.

This was a mic drop moment for me…

I read an Instagram post today and I got so annoyed.

This was one of two panels, and a caption that said, "His protective instincts are ignited the moment you meet."

Whenever I have a strong reaction to something, I know it's time to explore what's happening within me. It's an opportunity to unravel what may be a truth and what’s a personal trigger that's been pulled.

Now, I don't believe the poster is suggesting that "safe from harm" solely refers to physical and emotional abuse. Of course not! Safety in a relationship means an environment where both partners can be thoughtful and compassionate.

What annoyed me about this post is that it perpetuates the Disney fantasy of love at first sight.