This one is mainly for the fellas, but ladies please take a read and pass this along to a man who might be interested.

I consider myself a recovering nice guy. What am I talking about here?

Many men, including me, were taught to put others first and to always be the strong one in our relationships. 

Doesn't sound too bad, right? 

But if by putting others first I'm stepping waaaay over my own needs AND getting resentful and maybe being a dick about it?

It feels really good to be appreciated, right? 

Carina, my partner, and I started sharing appreciations in the very beginning of our relationship and never stopped because it feels so good.

Do I ever get tired of hearing that I’m handsome and sexy?

Never.

Or appreciated for listening during a challenging conversation?

Nope.

The appreciations flow both ways, about how we look, feel, listen, show-up in times good and challenging. It never gets old.

I want to take a moment to talk about something that happens in every relationship: mistakes.

We all mess up sometimes. You do. I do. We say or do things that hurt our partners, and it's not a fun feeling.

But when you apologize, that's just the first step.

And it’s easy to bungle that first step - if you’re not aplogizing from a place of really understanding the impact of what you did. I mean truly, viscerally feeling the impact of what you’ve done, you’re just saying words.

If you’ve ever been dissatisfied with an apology, this is probably why.

Do you know what's not sexy? 

Being dragged kicking and screaming into couples coaching/counselling/therapy by your partner because you're too stubborn to take responsibility for your actions.

Let's face it, guys - we're not always the easiest to deal with in relationships. We have our own set of emotional baggage, communication issues, and insecurities.

I used to be the king of holding it all in, not talking about it, agonizing for days before bringing it up.

'It' could be something that was said or not said, a slight, an unmet need, or feedback that might be received as criticism.

I would hope that the desire to air it would magically disperse AKA disappear under the rug.

You’re talking with your partner.

He’s got his back to you as he washes the dishes.

What you’re talking about is important. You’re getting uh-huhs and mm-mmm, he’s even responding with comments that let you know he’s hearing you.

So why do you feel unheard?

Because someone hearing you and you feeling listened to are connected but different.

The wonderful actress Kerry Washington pointed out that there’s only one letter difference between ‘parents’ and ‘partner’ - just switch out the s with an r and there you are.

It’s a simple and smart encapsulation of a truth that defines, for and better and for worse, our intimate relationships.

Just as we inherit our parents' eye colour or sense of humour, we also inherit their relationship patterns. It's like an invisible hand guiding us towards familiar dynamics, both the good and the not-so-good.