Why saying "I'm Sorry" just doesn't cut it (and what does)

I want to take a moment to talk about something that happens in every relationship: mistakes.

We all mess up sometimes. You do. I do. We say or do things that hurt our partners, and it's not a fun feeling.

But when you apologize, that's just the first step.

And it’s easy to bungle that first step - if you’re not aplogizing from a place of really understanding the impact of what you did. I mean truly, viscerally feeling the impact of what you’ve done, you’re just saying words.

If you’ve ever been dissatisfied with an apology, this is probably why.

Yup, it can be sooo hard to apologize, and you wish that was it, case-closed. Apologizing takes ownership and humility. 

And for some of us it's a swan-dive into the deep-end of the shame pool AKA something our inner-self is screaming at us to avoid at all costs. 

Once the words "I'm sorry" have left our mouths, there's a burning desire to put whatever happened far in the rearview.

But the real work comes when you discuss how to do better next time.

This conversation is crucial for every healthy relationship.

It's not about dwelling on the past or pointing fingers. It's about taking responsibility for our actions and learning from them, together.

It's about understanding our partners' needs, values, preferences and sensitive spots, and making sure we're aligned.

So, if you've messed up, don't beat yourself up.

Apologize, and then take the time to discuss what you can do differently in the future.

Step out of shame and into curiosity, not only about your partner's experience of what happened, but why you made the choices you did.

Together, replay the incident and look at the places where different choices could have been made.

This is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship, to deepen your connection, and to show your partner that you're committed to being the best partner you can be.

As a relationship coach, I've seen firsthand how powerful these conversations can be.

It's not always easy, but it's always worth it. So, embrace your mistakes and use them as a chance to grow and learn.

Thanks for reading, lovebirds.

Talk to me about having fewer fights and more intimacy. Book your free discovery call here.

Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash