Why your fear of conflict is ruining your relationship (and what to do about it)
I used to be the king of holding it all in, not talking about it, agonizing for days before bringing it up.
'It' could be something that was said or not said, a slight, an unmet need, or feedback that might be received as criticism.
I would hope that the desire to air it would magically disperse AKA disappear under the rug.
I grew up in a household where a lot of stuff was sat on (when my parents announced the end of their marriage to me, I was literally shocked. I had to do a massive retrospective review to begin to glimpse how my experience of them and my family growing up had led to THIS).
In other words, I'm great at sitting on stuff.
That lurking, swirling burn in my body of of discontent, resentment, doubt is very familiar. I can live with it (off it?) for a loooong time. If it was a competition I'd be on that top podium
The fear running beneath speaking up is the fear of conflict, and beneath that lurks the fear of abandonment.
Every time I did speak up, it was worth it. Clarity, relief, connection almost always followed.
The alternative of holding it all inside is literally unhealthy in wear and tear it causes mentally and physically, and it usually results in creating more disconnection and is ground zero for resentments.
In my training as a coach, I challenged myself to shorten the time between becoming aware of wanting to discuss something and actually discussing it.
Over time I got it down from days (sometimes weeks tbh) to hours.
It was always worth it.
So given all that, you might think I'd remember to always do that in my own relationships.
Well, I don't.
Here's the bizarre thing. Despite ALL THIS *gestures widely*, I still sometimes find myself sitting on stuff.
The fear of conflict and abandonment run deep.
As much as I wish I could eradicate these fears once and for all, for now at least they're with me.
I choose to listen to those younger voices inside (my 'wounded child', in the words of Terry Real). I validate them, and let them know they're safe.
By safe, I don't mean that there won't be conflict or disconnection. I mean that grown-ass me (my 'wise adult' - Terry Real again) knows how to navigate conflict, knows where I can get healthy and robust support if I need it, and knows I won't actually die if my relationship ends.
It's worth doing the work to get to know and heal your wounded child so you can get back into your wise adult.
Your fears may always be with you, but you have choice in how you listen and respond to them.
This work is a game-changer for your relationships. And it’s work I do with almost all of my clients.
Talk to me about having fewer fights and more intimacy. Book your free discovery call here.
Photo by Laurenz Kleinheider on Unsplash