They’re Listening But You Don’t Feel Heard? This Is Why

You’re talking with your partner.

He’s got his back to you as he washes the dishes.

What you’re talking about is important. You’re getting uh-huhs and mm-mmm, he’s even responding with comments that let you know he’s hearing you.

So why do you feel unheard?

Because someone hearing you and you feeling listened to are connected but different.

Now, before I go any further, I want to suggest that having an important conversation whilst one of you is involved in another task is not a great idea.

Having a casual, catching up on the day convo why one or both of you is doing something else - absolutely.

Often, feeling heard involves the listener choosing to connect emotionally with what the speaker is saying. 

That’s why listening deeply can feel so vulnerable, because it requires feeling into our own experiences (it’s also one of the reasons why it can be more challenging for men, because of the emotional connection part).

If you’re a parent to a young kid, you know that a lot of what they talk to you about isn’t important in the grand scheme of things. 

Maybe it’s a toy, or a fad, or something that happened at school that’s going to be forgotten later, tomorrow or in a few months. 

It can be easy to dismiss, stacked up against the actually important proper grown-up things you have on your mind, right? 

But here’s the crucial thing. What they’re sharing is SO important to them. 

What's important to you isn't the content of what they're sharing, but their feelings about the thing.

Now, in our adult relationships, the content of what we’re talking about needs paying attention to, but so are the feelings. 

When we pay attention to the feelings of what someone is sharing, and connect with those, then they will start to feel really heard.

Especially if what they’re talking about is something that has activated their nervous system (anger, sadness, joy, shame etc), acknowledging and feeling into that emotion will help them relax, even slightly.

If you tell me, ‘When you forgot to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy, I felt really unimportant to you’, and I reply ‘Ok I’ll go and get it now’, you’ll know I’ve heard you, but you won’t truly feel listened to and understood.

I’m only validating and addressing part of it - the part where I forgot to pick up the prescription. I’m not touching on the emotional part at all.

If I reply, ‘That makes sense, it must seem like your health and wellbeing isn’t important to me’, then we’re getting somewhere. 

Take a moment to feel the difference.

Learning to listen in this way, where you’re showing up with curiosity about understanding someone else’s experience is one of the key skills you need for a successful relationship.

Talk to me about having fewer fights and more intimacy. Book your free discovery call here.

Photo by Derek Owens on Unsplash