3 Tips To Get The Relationship You Want Without Being a Dick [one for the fellas]
This one is mainly for the fellas, but ladies please take a read and pass this along to a man who might be interested.
I consider myself a recovering nice guy. What am I talking about here
Many men, including me, were taught to put others first and to always be the strong one in our relationships.
Doesn't sound too bad, right?
But if by putting others first I'm stepping waaaay over my own needs AND getting resentful and maybe being a dick about it?
My needs get shunted off into the shadows and start getting met in covert, insidious and entitled ways.
Add to this a fear of conflict and any big expression of emotion.
Oh yeah and I'm also equating being strong with not feeling anything. I'm so good at not feeling feelings that I'm a walking husk of numbness (except for resentment, I'm good at that).
Double oh yeah - we live in a patriarchy which makes it seem totally ok for men to be emotionally disengaged and entitled.
Hello me from a few years ago.
For a nice guy, it can seem wrong to put yourself first.
Because putting yourself first can appear selfish, insensitive, being sexist, and a bully.
Not a good look.
But neither is being emotionally disconnected, resentful and indecisive (and with a really frustrated partner).
Men, while it's important to show up for our partners, it's just as important to show up for ourselves.
Sometimes it's hard to strike a balance between being present for our partners and being true to ourselves.
As "nice guys," we often fall into the trap of agreeing with our partners just to keep the peace, even if it means we're sacrificing our own needs.
But agreeing just to avoid conflict is not healthy for anyone involved.
It's important to listen to our partners and validate their experience, but we also need to be willing to speak up for ourselves and set boundaries when necessary.
We need to learn to be comfortable with saying "no" and expressing our own needs and desires, even if it feels uncomfortable or scary.
At the end of the day, a healthy relationship requires both partners to feel heard, seen, and respected.
So, take a moment to check in with yourself and ask: am I truly showing up for myself in this relationship?
If the answer is no, it might be time to make some changes.
"Great Matt - how do I show up for myself and not be a dick?"
Glad you asked.
Here are three tips for men to find the balance between being connected to themselves and present for their partner:
Practice self-awareness: It's important to be in tune with your own thoughts and feelings, so you can communicate them honestly with your partner. Take some time to reflect on your needs and desires, and be willing to express them in a kind and respectful way.
Practice active listening: When your partner is expressing their thoughts and feelings, take the time to really listen and understand their perspective. Validate their experience and show empathy, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. This helps to build trust and connection in the relationship.
Set healthy boundaries: It's important to set boundaries around what you're comfortable with and what you're not. Don't be afraid to say "no" to something if it goes against your values or needs. At the same time, be willing to compromise and find a solution that works for both you and your partner.
It's okay to be vulnerable and express our needs. In fact, it's essential for a thriving relationship.
And speaking of thriving relationships, have you heard about AWAKE?
It's a men's group where we not only explore these issues and more, we actively practice these skills. And we support each other in becoming the best versions of ourselves.
If you're looking for a community of like-minded men who are committed to personal growth and healthy relationships, then AWAKE might be just what you need.
Cheers to being present and connected, both to ourselves and our partners!
Until next time,
Matt
Talk to me about having fewer fights and more intimacy.
Book your free discovery call here.
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash