This post is a direct follow-up to my previous blog about how showing appreciations can help build a stronger foundation to your relationship.

My post was about appreciations in general, and included some differences in the way men and women feel appreciated (and I’m making broad generalisations here). I received some feedback from my partner that the examples given would work great for a man, and there is a way of showing appreciation that lands more deeply for a woman.

To recap that first post - being appreciated feels good. Whatever our gender, being appreciated by our partner for our contribution to the relationship and our life together feels good. Being appreciated for being devastatingly attractive to our partner feels good too. I know when I’m feeling appreciated I automatically feel more open and generous. Creating a culture of appreciation can introduce a lot of ease into your relationship. 

If you’re all about data and research, there’s even science to prove this. The Gottman Institute (their tagline is ‘a research-based approach to relationships’) has arrived at an actual “magic ratio” of 5 to 1, “This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions”. Showing appreciation is one very good positive interaction you can use to rack up the numbers to the magic 5. 

In general, we men like being noticed and appreciated for our contributions and efforts. We like to know that what we’re doing is providing a meaningful difference in the life of our women (and our colleagues and bosses too, regardless of gender). Even appreciations about the mundane, routine, everyday stuff like taking out the rubbish, getting the car serviced, putting the kids to bed, land really, really well with us. 

My partner’s gender-specific feedback to my post was helpful to hear (and a bit confronting because sometimes I like to think I know it all, and it was a reminder to myself that I’m learning here too).

After receiving the feedback I asked on my socials for suggestions from women on what makes them feel appreciated, noticed and closer to their partner, and this is what I got directly from the source:

Lots of physical touch without it needing to be sexual! 

This was reinforced by another comment:

Appreciating non-appearance related qualities or efforts. 💕

Again, we all like to know we’re attractive to our partner, and there’s definitely a place for these appreciations. And these comments are clear pleas for appreciations that aren’t related to physical attributes or motivated by a desire for sex - men take note! These requests are reinforced by the next two comments:

Appreciation for intrinsic qualities of who I am, being really seen and acknowledged for what I bring to the table as a partner and an independent person in the world does volumes for other needs - helps me feel safe and soothed and supported to be challenged.

This is close to the type of appreciation that lands well with men, and the comment goes a step further in explaining how it feels to receive such an appreciation.

And this is a really helpful clue for men in how to appreciate the women in our life. Don’t just say thank you. Taking the extra step to share how the action or attribute we’re appreciating causes us to feel will land so much more deeply. This requires some emotional exploration for us men to do into how we feel - not often not an area we’re good at. But the comment above is clear how meaningful it is, and I’ll throw in the next one to reinforce the point:

A simple “I love/appreciate/feel your heart and/or care” has me feeling seen and cherished, AND creates a container of trust that allows me to share even more of my true feminine essence💛 🔥

This commenter is telling us the power of an appreciation not of her actions or character, but the actual experience of being with her (how powerful is that?! I’m feeling that one). Not only is she including the impact the appreciation has on her (seen and cherished and more trusting) but also how that feeling then feeds back into the relationship between the two of you as she shares more. Beautiful. Again, this requires us men to look, and most importantly, feel into our experience and share from that more vulnerable place.

To sum this up, effective appreciations for our female partner’s include their character qualities, essence, and for what they contribute as a partner, as well as sharing our experience of them.

For those men out there like me who find it really helpful to see things in component parts, here’s how an effective appreciation can be structured:

Thank you for doing (the thing), because when you do I feel (name the feeling)

Or

When you do (the thing), I feel (the feeling/experience)

Here are a couple of examples:

Thank you for cooking dinner last night, I felt so taken care of (or ‘because I can really taste your care and love in it’)

Or

When you take care of the household budget, I really feel like you have my back and that we’re a team and we’re connected.

This exploration has been really helpful for me, and I hope it is for you too.