One Thing You’re Not Doing That Can Help Your Relationship Right Now
A lot of relationship advice (including mine!) can be focused on what to do when your relationship is in a crisis, on how to fix specific problems, and what to do when things are feeling really uncomfortable.
So here's something that you can do when you're not in crisis, when you're not in struggle, because the focus is more on creating a strong foundation. And it’s also something you can do if you are struggling as it will help create some intimacy and calm.
If you’re in a long-term relationship you can easily start to take for granted a lot of the things that your partner does. There’s no judgement here, it’s just something that begins to happen. We lose sight of how helpful or thoughtful or important those things are, and this can be a slippery slope in our partner feeling unseen and unappreciated.
You might be reading this thinking ‘well I feel unseen and unappreciated!’, in which case here’s an opportunity to notice if you’ve stopped showing appreciation for your partner. Instead of waiting, or demanding they change, try being the change yourself first.
Here’s the simple three step tip that can start to bring some true juicy goodness to the everyday part of your relationship.
You may want to grab a pen or open up the notes on your phone:
Step 1
List what your partner does that feels good or improves your life whether it's on a daily, weekly or seasonal basis. Here are some prompts: laundry, groceries, cooking, bringing you a cup of coffee, doing bedtime with the kids, making a tea, taking the car to be serviced, arranging the kids scheduled, raking the leaves, doing the dishes, working the job that provides the things and stability of your life, be getting the car fixed it could be arranging the schedules for the for the kids, dealing with the bills, giving great hugs.
Step 2
Beside each item on your list, note down the positive outcome for you. Especially if you’re in a long-term relationship you might have to think about this a bit because all this might be the water you swim in (and why this can be so effective in shifting, or creating, the tone of your relationship). Here are some pointers:
When you take to get the car serviced - you’re thinking about the safety of our family, and I hate dealing with that guy at the garage. Thank you.
When you organize the kids’ schedules - I relax because I know they’re so well cared for by you. Thank you.
When you cook that dinner I love - I feel so cared for and loved by you, thank you.
Get the idea?
Step 3
Next time your partner does one of these actions, share your appreciation! Do it!
If you’re a woman reading this, I’ll let you in on a time-saving secret, a simple sincere thank you to a man goes a long way. ‘Thanks for doing the dishes’ means you noticed AND appreciated his contribution. It helps men know we’re doing this relationship thing right, that you’re feeling taken care off which, despite appearances sometimes, IS important to us. To cut to the chase here, Step 1 followed by ‘Thank you for…’ works really well and you can stop there and make Steps 2 & 3 a bonus if you want him to feel like it’s his birthday!
Now fellas, I’ve had it on good authority that all three steps are important for this appreciation to really land with a woman. To share the felt experience as a result of something they’ve done is going to touch them deeply.
That’s it. If you’re not used to showing appreciation, it may feel awkward at first but do it anyway. Don't expect fireworks or to notice any immediate changes. You're not doing this to get praise, it's a gift you're giving with no expectation of anything reciprocal.
So what’s the point? Strengthening the foundation that exists between you. Particularly if you build this foundation when things are good in a relationship you don't fall as far when conflict arises (which always will).
If you’re struggling in your relationship, taking these steps will introduce some much-needed grace to help you reconnect.