Relationship Frustration? It's Time to Rethink Your Approach.
One of the biggest shifts about relationships I can share with you is that your relationship is a path.
A path to what?
The fairytale fantasy that so many of us are raised with is that our relationship will be fulfilling, rock solid, adventurous, sexy, and wild, inspiring - whatever's important to us will magically and perpetually be manifested by our choice of partner.
Wouldn't that be amazing?
Of course.
It's also a lot of pressure on the relationship and your partner.
If (or rather when) your relationship isn't fulfilling, rock solid, adventurous, sexy, and wild, inspiring, it and they become the easy targets to blame.
In a very dark era of my marriage, I began to search for answers to my frustration, anger, lack of fulfillment, and feelings of being misunderstood and uncared for.
I found the work of the man who became my teacher and mentor, who invited me into understanding that my relationship was a path to spiritual and personal growth.
It was the beginning of a massive, tumultuous, intimate, excruciating journey, both sublime and mundane, that upended not only me but my marriage and my life.
I learned that:
As much as I wanted to believe that my safe middle-class upbringing had been perfect, I was raised in a relationally dysfunctional environment that echoed through all my romantic relationships.
I had a deep-seated fear of conflict that created a damaging level of avoidance in my relationships.
I lean towards a disorganised/fearful-avoidant attachment style.
I had unhealthy patterns of getting my needs met, of feeling desired and attractive.
And. So. Much. More.
By that time, I'd spent some years in men's groups learning about accountability and integrity, spent time in therapy and counseling (on my own and with my ex). But I'd only been circling the truth of what I needed to understand.
Challenges in my marriage still quickly rocked the foundations of it. I carried a lot of resentment and confusion about my relationship and blame towards my then-wife.
The hole I'd been circling was the understanding that a relationship is a path, not a destination.
Beginning my journey along the path meant that:
The more I understood the emotional and relational patterning I grew up with, the better I'd understand what I was recreating.
I needed to do the deep and confronting work of understanding and healing my fear of conflict.
I had to identify my needs, take ownership of them, and give voice to them (even writing this feels vulnerable. I have needs, and they matter).
I had to acknowledge my patriarchal privilege and expectations.
I had to be more connected to my emotions.
I had to learn how to listen in a new way.
It was my responsibility to create the relationship I wanted, not my partner's responsibility to magically transform.
With each of these points, there were layers beneath.
Viewing your relationship as a path is a massive reframe that shifts the focus from blame and victimhood to personal responsibility, ownership, acceptance, and expansion.
It's a tough path sometimes. Why bother? Why go through the effort?
Because along the path, you experience self-awareness and self-mastery, the possibility of deeper connections with the people you care about (including parents, kids, and friends), playfulness, belly laughs, rolling sexual pleasure.
It's worth it for every time my teenage son and I have a frank conversation about our bodies, how relaxed my daughter is talking about personal things with me, the supportive and openly loving relationship I now have with my dad, how quickly (minutes!) Carina and I can move through troubled waters that would have been weeks of torment in the past, and the wonderful ways we laugh, tease, touch, and support each other.
Freedom. Choice. Confidence. Ease.
Your path is unique to you, but there are guides waiting for you when you're ready.
Walk your path,
Matt
Talk to me about having few fights and more intimacy. Book your free discovery call here.