Safety, Disney Nonsense & White Knight Delusion - Let’s Discuss

I read this Instagram post today and I got so annoyed:

This was one of two panels, and a caption that said, "His protective instincts are ignited the moment you meet."

Whenever I have a strong reaction to something, I know it's time to explore what's happening within me. It's an opportunity to unravel what may be a truth and what’s a personal trigger that's been pulled.

Now, I don't believe the poster is suggesting that "safe from harm" solely refers to physical and emotional abuse. Of course not! Safety in a relationship means an environment where both partners can be thoughtful and compassionate.

What annoyed me about this post is that it perpetuates the Disney fantasy of love at first sight.

The notion that love is only genuine when Cupid strikes the very instant you meet someone.

Sure, it can happen that way, but it doesn't have to.

What about taking the time to get to know each other? Exploring the possibilities and compatibility of a relationship? Having some good laughs together?

It's the White Knight version of romance. And guess what?

You need a Damsel In Distress for the White Knight to have a purpose.

This implies that women are inherently unsafe and need a man to feel protected. Well, I wholeheartedly disagree.

"His protective instincts are ignited the moment you meet" sets an impossibly high standard for both him and her. Personally, I've never experienced this, nor have I heard any man say such a thing.

Relationships involve at least two people from different family backgrounds, each with their own sensitivities and strengths. Even with Carina and me being aware and conscientious, we still sometimes step on each other's toes and create moments of upset or feeling unsafe. In other words, we're still learning about each other.

When we fall in love, our journey together in a committed relationship, and I believe this is an essential journey for every relationship, is learning how to come back into deep connection and trust after these moments of unsafety inevitably occur.

The post also implies that there is only one person meant for you. If your relationship is challenging, well, it must be because you're with the wrong person.

In other words, find the "right" one, and you'll always feel safe. But if you feel unsafe, it's because you're with the wrong "one."

It also suggests that he is somehow unhealthy or incomplete without this specific woman and her medicine in his life. I absolutely don't buy into that idea either.

Oh and don’t stop me now - that he’s showing up fully formed, strong, and ready to build her castle. No pressure there then!

As a grown-ass man, I had to (and still am) learn lessons in creating connection and safety within a relationship.

I'm still working on creating safety within myself, and by doing so, I'm better able to create it for Carina. 

I also work with courageous men who are on a similar journey of self-discovery and becoming emotionally available.

They strive to understand themselves more deeply so they can show up in their relationships with clarity, capacity, and confidence, ultimately contributing to a sense of safety.

Ideally, both partners in a relationship are engaged in this kind of personal growth that fosters a trustworthy connection.

Friends, it’s a journey.

And a significant part of this journey unfolds when we're connected within a relationship.

Yes, we can lay the groundwork in isolation, but it's through merging with another human, discovering what happens when our unique patterns intersect, that we truly comprehend what safety means to both of us and how to create it.

What are your thoughts on this?

Oh, and what made this topic particularly heated for me?

It pressed on a childhood vulnerability button. It reminded me of times when I felt expected to show up with answers and behaviours in situations that caught me off guard. I felt dumb and foolish, facing uncommunicated and expectations that felt unfair and unmeetable that left me scrambling in the moment.

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Photo by Asdrubal luna on Unsplash