This follows a blogpost which you can find here, where I looked at how, in our relationships, we sometimes start fights instead of taking the vulnerable step of asking for the connection we want.
The theme here is that if we aren’t aware of our needs, or don’t empower ourselves to ask for our needs to be met, we can go about getting them met indirectly, causing upset, confusion and arguments in our relationships.
An unexpressed need is highly likely to go unmet.
An unmet need is going to create resentment.
We Should Want To Spend All Our Time Together
A common relationship fantasy is that we should want to spend all of our time together with people we like and love. Furthermore, even if we’ve spent hours/days/weeks apart, we should be able to just slip right back into our harmonious togetherness.
This is probably untrue for many of us.
And the dark side of this fantasy is the belief that if we don’t want to spend every. single. second. together, or if we experience bumps when we’re reconnecting (even after a day apart), then there’s something wrong with our relationship.
The truth is that relationships involve navigating togetherness AND space.
Asking for space can feel risky (hands up any anxious attachers reading this! My hand is up BTW). If you’re an anxious attacher (any hands still up…just mine?), I’m going to be scared that you’ll perceive my request for space as a negative judgement about you or about our relationship (probably because I would might perceive your request for space as being about me and the relationship).
It’s so risky that I might keep quiet and step over that need for mine of space. But keeping quiet, as noted above, creates resentments.
OK I’m putting my hand down now.
What Does This Look Like In Real Life?
Imagine a man who leaves the house for work five days a week. He needs some space when he walks through the front door, space to transition, space to feel himself, space to reintegrate. Instead, he’s been stuffing all those needs, ‘manning-up’, if you like (a note here that John Wineland says ‘the masculine needs a lot more space than most men claim’. In my experience this is true. Men and women both contain a shifting combination of the masculine and feminine).
Imagine an at-home mum. The mum needs space for the same reasons, space away from demands and endless tasks of parenting young kids.
I’m aware I’m being very heteronormative in these examples. These dynamics I’m outlining can exist in couples of all orientations.
If man and woman are unaware of the space they need, or scared of asking for it, or don’t know how to ask for it in a way their partner won’t feel criticized or blamed, they’re going act in ways that create space. But it’ll be indirect, and in a way that won’t really scratch that vital need for space to connect with themselves.
How does it look when we create space without being direct?
Any of these ring a bell? Being gruff, avoiding eye contact, being monosyllabic, not talking at all, saying something mean, being argumentative and contrary, not listening, being critical, giving orders, not communicating my emotional state, making you guess my emotional state, not coming home, walking out.
I’ve done some of these.
Now imagine any of these happening day-in day-out for weeks, months, years. Ugh.
Maybe you don’t have to imagine it because you’re living it, or have lived it.
Maybe you do one of these actions. Maybe you’re on the receiving end.
Maybe both.
It’s an enormous fucking wear and tear on the very fabric of your relationship.
With our man in the example, he’s going to resent coming home. His partner is going to resent him coming home. I want to be clear here. These are examples of people who aren’t aware of the space they need, or haven’t taken the step of figuring out what that space looks like and how to ask for it.
It’s OK that sometimes we need space from each other.
It’s also OK that transitions from one sphere of our life (work) to another sphere of our life (relationship or family). It can take time and energy. A shift of the gears.
How do we know we need space?
We feel grumpy, resentful, shutdown.
How do we ask for space?
A version for him of communicating his need for space could be: ‘I've noticed that I’m grumpy when I first come home. I think what I actually need is just 10 minutes to myself. I want to feel connected, and I need that 10 minutes first. If I have that, then I can step fully into the home life, fully into our connection, and you're going to get 100% of me versus me faking it or being a grump’.
What he’s doing is here taking responsibility for his needs. He’s not blaming her (making her responsible) for not knowing and not meeting his need.
If he wanted to really up his game, he could include an apology: ‘I’m sorry I’ve been a grump when I’ve come home from work. I’ve only just realised I’ve needed space when I get home and I haven’t asked for it until now. I imagine that it must have been hard for you, having me show up like that. Do you want to tell me about it?’
A version for her communicating her need for space could be, ‘I’m completely wrung-out after a day with the kids. I’m literally counting the seconds until you walk through that door. I love you, but I need 20 minutes completely to myself. Once I get that, I’m going to find you so we can reconnect and figure out our evening’.
Ok now I’m noticing that in my mind these two people in this example are a couple! It wasn’t my intention but here we are.
They both have a need for space at the same time.
Quite the conundrum. What’s the solution?
Maybe they alternate days, so one day he gets his 10 minutes as soon as he arrives home, the next day she gets her 20 minutes as soon as he arrives home.
If he commutes by car, maybe he takes his 10 minutes in the car before entering the house.
Or (and this is the advanced level) he does the mental work of transitioning on his commute home.
Now I’ve Got Space, What Do I Do With It?
Numb out on social media. No! It’s very tempting to get on your phone. What will serve you better is being with your own experience.
What does that even mean?
Simply noticing your emotional state mood, fears, resentments. Noticing how fierce or quiet they are. Don’t try to change anything. Just notice.
Notice your bodily sensations. Tingles? Tightness? Whereabouts? Again, don’t try to change anything, just notice.
Why?
Our responsibility in a relationship is to connect. We do this more effectively when we’re connected to ourselves.
Meditation is really effective for getting into a noticing state: this is the one exception to the no-phone rule - fire-up a mediation app or music, or just spend a few minutes in silence. I’ve done this very effectively sitting on the subway.
Once you’ve spent some time noticing it can help to move the energy. Dancing works (ok so this is a second exception to the no-phone rule) - get the tunes going and dance it out (I didn’t do this on the subway, I’ve done it at home though).
Making conscious mental shifts is really effective too. Here are some prompts:
What responsibilities can I let go or, or set aside, until later or tomorrow?
What is waiting for me when I get home, and how do I want to show up for it?
What experience do I want to have in my home and what can I do to create it?
I hope these suggestions are helpful.
I’m writing this well aware of the lockdowns and restrictions that many are experiencing.
Some of you might be experiencing ‘too much’ space. In some of our lives there’s less coming and going than usual. Others, stuck together for months, may be crying out for more space. These suggestions, and the steps above, can be applied to ongoing at-home situations.
The bottom line: taking space in relationships is necessary and healthy.
It’s ok to want it.
Ask for it with care and consideration.
Make good use of it.
