When I found out about this it hit me hard. Sometimes we start fights because we're actually missing feeling the presence of the other person.
I know it sounds fucked up, and it is an ingeniously perverse strategy - when we're missing feeling connected to our partner we do what we know gets us attention and into connection. Even if that’s starting a fight.
But why do we choose conflict instead of something more gentle and loving? Because asking for connection (a hug, an ‘I love you’, an appreciation) is really vulnerable!
What if he or she says no? That can feel like the world is ending.
Also, I might not even be aware that what I’m longing for IS to feel connected to you. Maybe it’s a quiet dull urge I feel inside that I can’t quite name.
Maybe we’ve had a fight and the dust hasn’t settled. I’m longing to reconnect but I’m scared of being rejected if I offer vulnerability.
Maybe because of stories from my childhood, or a previous relationship, or this relationship, my fear of rejection is so high that I’m not going to allow myself to be vulnerable and risk a smackdown from you.
Looking at it this way, starting a fight gets us into connection really quickly. I get to feel you, I get your presence, your attention.
If I’m an emotionally shutdown person (and a lot of men are, am I right ladies? I certainly used to be), a surefire way for my partner to feel me is to get us into conflict. Here I am, in a furious dance with you.
A less extreme version of starting a fight to get connection, but still one that stops you getting what you really want, is nagging, complaining, being passive aggressive. I’m pretty sure I’ve done all these things.
A focus of my own work has been growing my awareness around when I want to feel more connected, and then taking the step of straight-up asking for it.
I can quite easily feel rejected. I don’t like that about me but it’s true. OK the truth is I can very easily feel rejected. I can feel resentful when my partner is busy and distracted. And when I’m resentful I might want to hide or say something mean. Saying something mean would let her know how I’m feeling. I may even be trying to make her feel how I’m feeling (this is something we do as kids - you hurt me so I’m going to hurt you - and many of us carry into adulthood. Look out for it). Either way, she’s now aware of me.
But saying something mean or getting nitpicky won’t get what I really want, which is a loving connection.
I’m getting better at noticing the clues of feeling disconnected. Feeling resentful, a bruised hurt inside.
And when I’m on the case #bestself I’ll say to my partner ‘I’m missing you, can I get a hug’, or if we’re not in the same place I’ll message her or we’ll get on a call so we can connect that way.
If I’m not quite on the case #notmybestself and still feeling too vulnerable to ask for connection, I’ll spend some time soothing that scared meany inside of me. It usually helps.
So next time you’re in the beginning of motions of starting a fight, teasing, being bitchy or dickish with your partner, try checking in with yourself to see if what you really want is connection.
And then take the big, bold step of asking for it.
