I'm just back from holiday - I took my daughter to the UK to visit family. It was a fabulous trip in many ways.
Carina and I have a regular morning routine of leaving voice messages on WhatsApp for each other every morning.
However, because of the 5-hour time difference and other variables around my time in the UK, what I didn’t do properly was put in place a plan for Carina and me to really feel connected while I was gone.
Even though I knew how important in-person (via phone or zoom or whatever) connection is for us, it was just outside of my view to plan for it.
So, while we were able to maintain our voice message connection, our cherished in-person connection was pushed to the margins.
Which meant Carina felt pushed to the margins.
It created distance, disconnection, and then upset.
And as often happens when relationships experience wear and tear, it’s taken a lot of energy and attention to find our way back into the deep and intimate connection we love... waaay more energy than it would have taken to create a better plan and follow-through (like Carina was asking all along! Sorry babe).
I was speaking with a couple recently who were describing how they put their relationship ‘on hold’ after their third child was born so they could focus on parenting and building the business they run together.
It makes total sense.
Life gets busy sometimes. Kids, work projects, health, ageing parents, home renovations. These things, at different times, emerge as priorities. They demand our time and focus over and above our other commitments.
When it comes to our relationships, it’s possible to downgrade its importance for a short time - a few days, a week maybe.
But don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can put your relationship ‘on hold’.
Our relationships are living entities.
They continue whether we pay attention to it or not
The relationship needs our care and attention to survive. Not only survive but thrive.
We can’t just hit the pause button for a few days or weeks or months (or years, cripes!), and expect to pick up where we left off.
When we put our relationship on hold, we’re not nurturing our relationship.
Like a plant, a pet, or a person, without nurturing attention, our relationship will suffer. When our relationship suffers, we suffer.
This can look like resentments, bickering, fights, addictive behaviors like shopping, eating, and porn to fill the gap, even infidelity.
So, what can you do?
If you have life stuff that needs your sustained attention and energy, talk with your partner about what you need to feel connected during that time.
Ask yourself: what types (verbal, physical) and frequency (time of day, number of times a day/week) of connection do we each need to feel seen and supported, appreciated and cared for?
Make a plan and stick to it, making adjustments along the way if necessary.
Bottom Line: without your attention, your relationship will falter. If you need to prioritise other things for a period of time, make a plan to keep connected with each other.
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Matt
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Photo by Valerie Elash on Unsplash