The Quickest Way to Get Clarity in Your Relationship When You’re Confused

Photo by Dex Ezekiel on Unsplash

‘the best way out is always through’
A Servant to Servant
by Robert Frost


Whenever two people come together there’s always an opportunity for confusion. 

Two different realities co-exist, yours and theirs, so confusion is inevitable.

If you find yourself confused or doubting something about your partner or your relationship, seeking the support and wise counsel of family and friends can be helpful. 

However, friends will offer advice based on their own experiences and values. And while it can be useful to have these alternative perspectives to consider and to feel supported, the only relevant truth is the one that exists between you and your partner.

Let me say that again - the only relevant truth is the one that exists between you and your partner.

In my work, I often find that the last person someone talks to about their relationship is their partner.

This leaves the confused person at the mercy of the speculation in their own brains (and we all know what they get up to unsupervised!) and the people they have talked to.

Us humans are geniuses at making up stories, we’re goddam story-making machines!

The most simple and direct way through confusion to clarity is to talk to your partner, or your potential partner if you're dating.

And yet it can feel SO vulnerable to have these conversations.

WHY IS THAT?

If you were raised in an environment where you didn’t hear issues voiced and worked through, if you grew up in an atmosphere where there was an undercurrent of unresolved issues, the familiarity of existing in that tension can be more comfortable than the alternative of broaching the subject.

That’s right, the unfamiliar sensation of actually voicing, discussing and working through an issue with all that discomfort and uncertainty can be really disconcerting.

Like, the world is ending disconcerting.

You’re opening up the possibility of hearing something back from your partner that feels shitty. 

What if there’s something about you they don’t like?
Nope, don't want to hear that!

What if they’re considering ending the relationship?
Yikes, not that either.

What if you get into conflict?
Navigating conflict well is one of the key skills to a successful relationship that most of us were not taught (and something I teach my clients and can teach you).

Some people exist for years in this preferred state of discomfort, because it's less terrifying than making significant changes to the relationship, or standing in your needs, or confirming a suspected betrayal, or making a difficult decision to end the relationship.

But the only way to get on firm ground is to have the conversation.

A SIMPLE APPROACH

There are various approaches to broaching these gnarly-feeling conversations with our partners. The goddess Brené Brown offers a super simple one.

Preface your speculation with ‘The story I’m making up is…’.

For instance, if you’re dating someone and they consistently take a few days to respond to texts, you might say:

‘When you don’t text me back for a few days, I make up a story that you’re not interested in this relationship. Is my story true’

Or if your partner consistently forgets to complete an important errand,
you say:

‘I’m making up a story that our life isn’t a priority for you right now, is my story true?'

The reason this works is instead of saying ‘you’re a jerk’ or 'you just don't care!', which is guaranteed to elicit a defensive response, is by taking ownership of your interpretation (your ‘story’ of what’s happening), you're leaving a safer space for your partner to come forward and share their reality. Your job then is to listen.

You’re connecting around the only two realities that matter - yours and your partner’s. This is the space where change can happen.

It can be really confronting to stand up for what you need, to directly address the cause of your discomfort, but the best way really is through.

If you want help knowing what your needs are, 
learning how to stand up for them
and to communicate them with kindness 
(my relationships changed forever when I learned these three things)
grab a free 35 minute discovery session to find out how I can help.