The Quickest Way to Get Clarity in Your Relationship When You’re Confused

Photo by Dex Ezekiel on Unsplash

‘the best way out is always through’

A Servant to Servant
by Robert Frost

Whenever two people come together there’s always an opportunity for confusion. Two different realities co-exist, so confusion is inevitable. 

If you find yourself confused or doubting something about your partner or your relationship, seeking the support and wise counsel of friends can be helpful. Talking through possibilities, exploring our feelings, hearing other perspectives can be vital. 

However, friends will offer advice based on their own experiences and values. And while it can be useful to have these alternative perspectives to consider and to feel your friend’s support, the only relevant truth is the one that exists between you and your partner.

In my work, I often find that the last person someone in this position talks to is their partner. This leaves the confused person at the mercy of the speculation of their own brains and the people they have talked to. And we humans are geniuses at creating stories, we’re story-making machines.

The most simple and direct way through this confusion is to talk to your partner.

And yet it can feel SO vulnerable to have these conversations.

Why is that?

If you were raised in an environment where you didn’t hear issues voiced and worked through, if you grew up in an atmosphere where there was an undercurrent of unresolved issues, the familiarity of existing in that tension can be more comfortable than the alternative of broaching the subject. 

That’s right, the unfamiliar sensation of actually voicing, discussing and working through an issue with all that discomfort and uncertainty can be really disconcerting. 

You’re opening up the possibility of hearing something back from your partner that feels shitty. What if there’s something about you they don’t like? What if they’re considering ending the relationship? It might feel better not to know that.

What if you get into conflict? Navigating conflict well is one of the key skills to a successful relationship that most of us were not taught (and something I teach my clients and can teach you).

Some people exist for years in this preferred state of discomfort, because it feels less terrifying than making significant changes to the relationship, or standing in your needs, confirming a betrayal, or making a difficult decision to end the relationship.

But the only way to get on firm ground is to have the conversation.

A Simple Approach

There are various approaches to broaching these gnarly-feeling conversations with our partners. The goddess Brené Brown offers a super simple one.

Preface your speculation with ‘The story I’m making up is…’. 

For instance, if you’re dating someone and they consistently take a day or more to respond to texts, you might say:

‘When you don’t text me back until the next day,
I make up a story that you’re not interested in this relationship’

Or if your partner consistently forgets to complete an important errand, you say:

‘I’m making up a story that our life
isn’t a priority for you right now’

The reason this works is instead of saying ‘you’re a jerk’, which will elicit a defensive response, by taking ownership of your interpretation (your ‘story’ of what’s happening), you're leaving a safer space for your partner to come forward with their reality.

Now you’re connecting around the only two realities that really matter - yours and your partner’s. This is the space where change can happen occur.

It can be really confronting to stand up for what you need, to directly address the cause of your discomfort, but the best way really is through.

If you want help knowing what your needs are
and learning how to stand up for them
(my relationships changed forever when I learned these two things)
contact me for a free 45 minute discovery session to find out how I can help