Relationships take awareness and skill to get right. The truth is that many of us were not brought up with models of great relationships. We weren't taught, consciously or unconsciously, helpful pragmatic tools and skills to be in a relationship successfully. So we bumble our way along trying to figure it out as we go.
There are a few reasons why relationships can be so difficult. Here are two of them.
The First Reason
The first reason is the belief that if you find the ‘right’ person then your relationship is fantastic. This is the concept of ‘the one’, of ‘you complete me’, of Happily Ever After.
I mean, how young were you when you first heard ‘and they lived happily ever after?’ I was age 3 or earlier.
This phrase, this expectation, is burrowed so deeply into our earliest understanding of the world. It’s embedded in our operating system 1.0. It’s a hard-wired expectation of relationship that we rarely question. This is what we’re up against.
Happily Ever After is a fantasy peddled to us through kinds of media: films, books, music videos, songs, commercials, TV shows.
You find that person and it's para-para-paradise from there on in.
The Lady and the Tramp (1955)
It's a very compelling, and it's reinforced by the fact that when we do connect with that special somebody it does feel fantastic. It’s all consuming and passionate. And it should be. It’s a natural stage of relationship (commonly called the Honeymoon stage, and it can last from a few months to a couple of years).
All it requires of us is to feel sexy and excited, fascinated and fascinating, and follow our desires. That’s pretty much it.
What we're not taught is that there's a stage after (the Challenge stage).
Uh-Oh
Imagine you and I are in a relationship. We’ve been in the honeymoon stage and it’s all still working out - we want to continue seeing each other.
After the intense closeness of the honeymoon stage, we’re both starting to migrate back to our individual selves a bit (turning our focus to our work and career a bit more, reconnecting with friends we completely abandoned a few months ago because we were so enthralled with our new relationship), and also integrate our lives together. Maybe we're moving in together, or buying a home, or starting a family together.
There's an inherent tension. A moving together and a moving away from each other.
We’re more exposed, more vulnerable. If we’re moving in together, it can be incredibly exciting, but we also have to navigate how and when we spend time together and apart. We’re having to trust each other more, with our space, our moods, our finances, our belongings. This brings stuff up, to put it mildly. It’s intense!
Now there’s so much more required of us than being hot and sexy and not returning our friends’ texts. No wonder a lot of challenges arise. A few months ago everything was easy. Now there's a different timbre, and new requirements.
The Second Reason
If we’ve found the right person, not only should the relationship be easy, if it’s not easy there’s something wrong.
Wrong with you, wrong with me, wrong with the relationship. Wrong wrong wrong. It shouldn’t be this hard. It’s your fault. It’s my fault. Maybe we rushed into this. Maybe I’ve picked the wrong person (again).
Here’s what I want you to hear: maybe there’s nothing wrong.
There could be something wrong, it’s true. You could be a mismatch. But consider for a moment there’s nothing wrong.
Consider that your relationship is transitioning to a new phase. A phase where you’re deepening the relationship, finding your balance in a new and shifting dynamic. You’re more dependent on this person, more exposed, more vulnerable.
Of course it feels difficult, confusing, maybe even scary.
We’re in the part AFTER the fairy tale ends, after the glitter has been swept up and dumped in the bin, after I’ve said ‘you complete me’ and you said ‘you had me at hello’.
We’re in the silence of the what now?
The Graduate (1967)
And this is the part where most of us don’t have good information or education. We’re lost on an endless ocean with no map and no compass. It can feel desperate. The temptation is to blame, jump ship, or go to your cabin and get drunk on rum and upload sea shanties to TikTok.
None of these actions will get you what you want from being in a relationship.
None of these will fulfill what drew you to your lover in the first place. A desire to feel deeply connected.
‘So this is great, Matt. We’re lost at sea. what now?’
Great question. This is where you go about learning what you didn’t learn before, including:
What the stages of relationship are, and which one you’re in
How your nervous system responds to feeling ‘too close’ to someone or too separated
How to manage your anxiety/anger/fear
What your needs are
How to communicate boundaries with clarity and grace
How to really listen
How to repair after a fight (paradise isn’t the absence of conflict, it’s about repairing fully afterwards and using the experience to understand more about yourself and your partner)
There’s nothing wrong.
It’s about getting a map and a compass.
The information is out there.
Wondering why relationships can be so f*cking hard?
Looking for a different way to do it?
Is your relationship life confusing AF
and you’re desperate for some clarity?
Are you ready to finally take charge
of your relationship life?
My group coaching course is packed full
of information and exercises that
I teach my clients and use in my own relationships.
Are you ready to make meaningful change
in your relationships?
