In Part Un I wrote about, when considering the challenges in your relationship, to shift attention to oneself and exploring if there’s something different you can be doing.
There may not be. But what if there is?
Recently my own relationship was asking me to share my work-in-progress thoughts with my partner.
Y’know instead of waiting for that day when I’ve thought everything through and figured it all out and can present what I want, or what’s bothering me, in a perfect package.
But sharing that work-in-progress part of me is rather scary. It feels very vulnerable.
My internal voice says things that feel very real: it’s really not that important, just leave it, you’ll feel differently tomorrow; maybe this will all just go away; speaking up is going to cause a fight and she’s going to leave; speaking up is going to upset her and she’s going to leave; you’re asking too much; you’re making mountains out of molehills.
Do any of these sound familiar?
So in order to share my work-in-progress, I have to create a practice of side-stepping these doubts when they arise.
These doubts are stories I’m making up. I can interrupt the stories by reminding myself of FACTS:
I’m engaging in looping thoughts
All the many times when my partner has listened and understood
I’m capable and resilient
I have relationship tools that are really helpful in navigating challenges
Discussing things I’m scared to discuss always ALWAYS leads to deepening and connecting.
A Quick Story About a Client
Here’s another example, slightly different, of a client who realised his relationship life needed something different from him.
He spent a lot of 2020 intensely dating - making a connection online and by phone (dating circa 2020) getting quickly and deeply into discussions about cohabiting, getting engaged.
That’s what felt safe for him - if there was a connection between him and a woman he would move forward at a really fast rate. It was only at that point would he become fully aware of inconsistencies in the other person’s communication and behaviours that didn’t feel so good to him.
At Christmas he let me know that he’s stepping away from online dating. We’d done work together to help him see this pattern of trying to pin relationships down, and some of what was causing it.
For the time being, he’s given up chasing and pushing. He’s now ready to trust that a special person will appear when the time’s right.
His relationship life needs him to trust his growth and wisdom. To surrender to the quiet and stillness of his life as it is and be-with what emerges in that space. To connect with himself more fully instead of pinning his sense of wholeness on a relationship.
An Invitiation
So, my invitation is to ask yourself what does your relationship need from me, and what do I need to do in order to provide it.
Here are some examples of what your relationship life might need from you:
Get clear on what your needs are
Listen better
Learn to apologise
Stop trying to change your partner
Communicate what your needs are
Make a decision whether to stay or go
Appreciate your partner more
Cultivate interests outside of the relationship
Overcome jealousy
Learn about boundaries
You can take any one of these and feel into what work you need to do to bring it to your relationship life.
Let’s take ‘learn to apologise’. If you find it really difficult to apologise (especially when you know it would really help repair conflict), explore the beliefs that come up when you think about apologising.
Examples could be:
apologizing means losing
apologizing is weakness; being wrong means I’m a bad person.
And when you think about apologising, what sensations occur in your body?
These are the places to poke and prod and test out.
Like I’m doing, like my client did, taking time to ask the questions and explore will bring you closer to the relationship life that you want and deserve.
Wondering why relationships can be so f*cking hard?
Looking for a different way to do it?
Is your relationship life confusing AF
and you’re desperate for some clarity?
Are you ready to finally take charge
of your relationship life?
My group coaching course is packed full
of information and exercises that
I teach my clients and use in my own relationships.
Are you ready to make meaningful change
in your relationships?
