This is a quote by either of the therapists and relationship provocateurs Terry Real or Esther Perel.
On the face of it, it's quippy and provocative. And it seems to suggest you need to eat shit to be happy. That you have to give up your beliefs or your values and just take the easy option of agreeing.
It might look like that old chestnut ‘happy wife happy life’.
It’s easy to read it that way.
I understand it as putting your connection with your partner above being ‘right’.
Being right means the other person is wrong
Being right means the other person has lost
Remember that this ‘other person’ is someone you love.
If we’re in a relationship where there’s a need to win or feel in control, for peace to occur somebody has to lose, somebody has to relinquish control, or bend to the will of the other one.
Being in a relationship where the options are right wrong win lose is a relationship of disconnection, resentment, unresolved conflict, control and power plays.
Instead, the statement ‘you can be right or you can be married (and let’s swap out ‘married’ for any committed relationship) is an invitation to create a relationship built on connection.
It can be interpreted as an invitation to understand ourselves and each other.
If we accept this invitation it no longer matters as much who's right and who's wrong. What matters is ‘do we understand one another?’
When we’re in the right-wrong win-lose paradigm,
facts become more important than feelings
And the problem with that is facts are based on memory.
Ask any cop, any judge, memories are fallible. Add that in any relationship we have two people, two different experiences, two memories of two realities of the same experience.
And you know what? We’re both entitled to our own experience.
Needing to be right can be a duel to the death of the relationship
The quickest way into a standoff is fighting over who said what. He said she said is the slippery slide to disconnection.
Who wins? The person with the loudest voice? The person who walks out? The person who’s the scariest? The person who’s least tired?
But if we swap out the need to be right with a desire to understand and be understood then our relationships become very different.
You see, if we have a disagreement I can get curious about your position and your reaction. I can get curious about how activated I get when you seem angry at me.
I can get curious about why it’s so hard for me to apologise.
Great Matt, I hear you saying, but how the actual fuck do I do this?
Here’s an example:
Maybe your partner asked you to do something and you forgot. He’s pissed off and says something that hurt your feelings. Maybe you forgot the thing because something urgent came up for you.
The right-wrong way the scenario can play out is:
Partner: I can’t believe you forgot the Thing! You’re an idiot.
You: I’m not an idiot, you’re an idiot for not reminding me, and I got an urgent call from my friend Jane and completely forgot so cut me some slack.
Partner: So Jane is more important than me now and it’s my fault I didn’t remind you? I can’t believe this!
You: I don’t actually know why you didn’t get the thing yourself if it’s that important to you.
And on and on. You get the idea. A lot of blame and no taking of responsibility.
If you find yourself on this slippery slope of conflict what can you do?
The first step here is to straight up own what you did:
You: I’m really sorry I forgot the Thing. I said I would get it and I didn’t. know it was important to you.
Partner: It was!
You: I get why you’re mad. And I can see how me forgetting it might make you feel unimportant.
Partner: I hadn’t thought about that, but yeah.
You: Can you say more about that? I’d really like to know.
Partner: I felt really angry, I felt ignored. I felt my needs weren't important. Yeah, I felt like I wasn’t important.
You: I totally get that. I know I would feel that way if you forgot something important I asked you to get.
You see what’s happening here?
Instead of getting defensive, you’re staying curious.
Focusing on how things feel instead of facts
creates the space for compassion and connection
Your intention wasn't to make him feel forgotten or unimportant, but the consequences of your actions were that.
Being curious helps you see him more clearly and see that tender, vulnerable spot in him. This experience becomes a guide.
Now, I’m not going to just brush over the fact that he called you an idiot.
We all have different tolerances around this type of thing. I know being called an idiot doesn’t feel good to me.
So from this paradigm of connection instead of right-wrong, what can we do?
Well, you’ve taken responsibility for forgetting the Thing and been curious about his experience. Now you check in with him:
You: Are you ok now? Is there anything I’ve missed, anything else it would be helpful for me to know?
Partner: No, that’s it.
You: I really understand why you are so upset now, and I’m sorry. And I want you to know that it really hurts my feelings when you call me an idiot.
Partner: Really? ‘Idiot’ is nothing. There’s way worse things to call people.
You: I know. But ‘idiot’ really stings for me. My brother used to say it to me all the time in a really mean way when I was a kid. He said it so often I started to believe it. It really hurts my feelings. It might be nothing to you but it’s really hurtful to me.
Partner: I had no idea. It’s not a word that bothers me but now I understand why it bothers you. I won’t say it again, and if I do just shoot me that look of yours and I’ll apologise straight away.
Here’s the bottom line:
Moving away from the need to be right means being ready to take responsibility, apologise if you screw up, and be curious about your partner’s experience.
Moving away from being right means being able to temporarily put your needs to one side to work with your partner on their upset.
It means trusting that there’s space for you both to be heard.
It takes courage, humility, and the capacity to navigate your own nervous system. But the result is a deeper, more connected relationship.
And that’s why we’re here…
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