'She Complains I'm Not Doing Enough'
There’s a complaint I often hear from men in relationships, and it sounds something like:
‘I come home from work, take out the trash, help in the kitchen, fix the car, help with the kids. I’m doing all these things and she still complains I’m not doing enough. I even tell her I love her all the time and she's still unhappy’.
Ouch. I’ve been there. It was years ago now, but I remember saying in exasperation to my counsellor at the time ‘I’m doing every single fucking thing!’ And somehow it wasn’t enough to make my partner at the time happy.
It’s a brutal helpless feeling. I don’t wish it on anyone. That feeling of trying as hard as you can and still not getting it ‘right’.
Do stuff, fix stuff. Many of us men are good at it, take pride it, are valued for it.
We believe, and have been raised to believe, that this is what our partners want from us. So when we hear a complaint from them, the solution is obvious - do more, work harder.
And it’s often how women are taught to view men too. As providers, fixers, doers of stuff. Someone has to open those jars.
The trouble is, in most cases, what the woman is actually complaining about isn’t what her man is or isn’t doing, or how he’s doing it.
And the real trouble is that not only does he not know what the actual issue is, neither does she.
The man doing more, or figuring out how to do whatever task better is not going to solve the problem.
And round and round we go.
For the man, the cruelest twist is when the woman utters those ball-removing words ‘I’ll just do it myself’ or ‘I’ll ask someone else to do it’.
Deep breath, chaps.
Those things you’re doing, all those things you’re doing to try and please her, taking on one more thing in the hope that it’s the one to make her happy?
Only to be criticised for doing everything wrong? Only to be threatened with being replaced?
I remember stumbling into perverse revelation - “it’s actually impossible to be doing everything wrong! I’m a competent human being. Of all the things I’m doing, it’s statistically impossible to be fucking up every single one!”
It was a huge relief. It meant that something else was going on.
But what?
The man’s misconception is that in order to make a woman happy he has to do everything she says and everything she asks. This is the misconception that can get men labelled as ‘pussy-whipped’. This is the misconception that can get women labelled as nags and complainers.
The truth that neither the man nor woman are seeing, is that there’s a fundamental disconnection occurring in the relationship.
Neither the man or woman are raised to assess the relationship for this essential element.
But the woman feels it, or rather the absence of it. What she’s unleashes at her man is a distortion because she doesn’t know, or trust, the it. Because you can’t see or measure the it. It’s not about how many tasks he does or how he does them.
It’s about his presence.
What women want from their man is presence.
What does that mean?
Presence is a word that gets tossed around a lot. For the sake of this conversation it means the capacity to be in this moment right now with another person.
Presence isn’t about doing, it’s about being
If a woman isn’t attuned to this need to feel her man’s presence, she’s going to cast about for something nearby that’s tangible - this task, that task, if he’s doing it, how he’s doing it.
(A brief interruption: studies show women who are employed to the same extent as their male partners still take on the lion's share of the domestic duties. Men, if this is you pull your socks up and figure out what you need to do to even the load and do it).
When this misconception was revealed in my own relationship, I didn’t really know how to be present. I was beginning my journey to understand my emotional landscape, my family history, my relationships patterns, my needs. It was a good few years until I learned how to be present.
How do you be present?
It's about having the capacity to listen and listen deeply. To listen to understand and validate. To reflect what’s you’re hearing. To be curious. To be with the speaker in whatever emotional state she’s in without trying to solve, fix or change her experience (this doesn’t mean putting up with verbal abuse or abuse of any kind).
This can be challenging for many men.
Instructions for being Present
If you’re a man reading this and you recognise this situation from your relationship, as a first step try saying what you’re seeing:
‘You seem upset right now, why don’t you tell me about what’s going on for you,’
And wait for her response. Stay curious.
If she makes it about the garbage or the dishes say, “I’ll take care of it, but it feels like there’s something else. The story I’m telling myself is that you aren’t you feeling supported right now, does that sound right?’
Don’t defend, just listen, stay curious.
It might be challenging if you’ve never done this before.
You’re going to want to argue and defend. If you start to feel judged you might get angry.
But make it a practice to listen and notice what’s happening in your body, work with that discomfort and stay in the conversation.
The help of a coach or a men’s group can be key in developing this skill. It’s the support I needed to get good at this.
You see, it's not about showing up as a pure white knight in shining armour. Presence is about listening and truly being there.
A word of awareness for both partners: the reality is, as much as your woman may deeply yearn for this deeper connection, it can feel uncomfortable and untrustworthy when it happens.
There’s work required on both sides
to develop the capacity
to hold and be held.
As men, when we put our amazing capacity and focus into truly holding our woman, and when our women allow themselves to be held by us, it can create incredible new depths in our relationships.
If you liked this you might like reading
Do You Start Arguments Instead of Asking for Connection?
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