In the words of Robert Glover, author of the transformational book for men, No More Mr. Nice Guy, I am a recovering nice guy.
Being a nice guy is a strategy. It's a strategy that nice guys developed in childhood. And it's a very effective strategy in many ways. It's helped me be successful in many areas of my life in many ways. And it’s also caused a shit-ton of problems.
What’s wrong with being a nice guy? Doesn’t the world need more nice guys? Not when being ‘nice’ is a manipulation to get what you want: less conflict, a place to hide, being liked and accepted, getting a date, and on and on.
And to be clear, in this context the opposite of being a nice guy isn’t being a nasty guy. The opposite is being clear and direct. It’s knowing what I feel, want and need, and expressing it clearly from a grounded place. It means not pretzeling myself to be accepted.
Being on the receiving end of a nice guy can feel disconcerting, like trying to discern shapes in the mist. Where are the edges? If he’s so nice, why do I feel wary?
Becoming aware of my nice guy tendencies has changed my life. It’s required getting clear on my values and needs, being deeply in touch with my emotions and learning to soothe the young, terrified part of me that fears rejection and disapproval more than anything.
I still have to do this work from time to time.
Being a recovering nice guy means that I'm aware of my nice-guy strategy. At my best I no longer engage in it.
But sometimes I relapse. I did this recently. There were a few elements at play in a situation with my partner that made it stressful. Reflecting back, one of the players I brought to the party was my nice guy (there was another aspect at play that might become the subject of another post). As the situation unfolded, I became aware of two options:
Option A: withhold some information. Doing this would avoid causing my partner hurt, upset, and doubt. And I’m going to go a layer deeper - if I hurt or discomfort then I risk her not liking me and breaking connection with me. You see, it’s about me.
Option B: the whole truth. But it would cause discomfort, anger, and would have caused me some discomfort (my discomfort of causing them discomfort is a wonderful loop). It could have caused conflict. Alhtough the conflict would probably be repairable, it would mean sitting in discomfort. For me, part of the discomfort is the fear of permanent rupture.
Which option did I chose? Option A - the nice guy option.
That meant I chose not to be wholly truthful. This meant I was out of integrity with myself.
By choosing Option A, although I escaped causing discomfort, and I escaped the discomfort of causing discomfort, I ultimately caused a deeper discomfort in myself, and a lack of clarity and a fault-line in my relationship.
By being a nice guy, I was not allowing my partner to fully see me or know me. I was not respecting her by providing all the information she needed to assess the situation we were in.
When I’m in nice guy mode, I'm not allowing you to fully see or know me. I’m not honouring your capacity to be with the truth of me, of whatever situation we’re in. I’m saying my sense of comfort and safety is more important than you. And that is not nice.
Because of the work I’ve done, the discomfort of being inauthentic is really loud in my body these days.
It gets louder and louder, calling me forward to speak honestly, even at the risk of disconnection. This is the price of not being in integrity.
Ultimately I chose the discomfort of truth over the discomfort of dishonesty. As soon as I heard the truth come out of my mouth, I knew it was the right thing to do.
It took my partner and me a few hours to move through the situation. We have the skills to do this and stay in connection. And we always find a deeper understanding, acceptance and connection on the other side.
Which is exactly what my nice guy self want, he just learned the wrong way to go about it.
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