When I found out about this it hit me hard. Sometimes we start fights because we're actually missing feeling the presence of the other person.

I know it sounds fucked up, and it is an ingeniously perverse strategy - when we're missing feeling connected to our partner we do what we know gets us attention and into connection. Even that’s starting a fight.

This post is a direct follow-up to my previous blog about how showing appreciations can help build a stronger foundation to our relationships.

My post was about appreciations in general, and included some differences in the way men and women feel appreciated (and I’m making broad generalisations here). I received some feedback from my partner that the examples given would work great for a man, and there is a way of showing appreciation that lands more deeply for a woman.

A lot of relationship advice (including mine!) can be focused on what to do when your relationship is in a crisis, on how to fix specific problems, and what to do when things are feeling really uncomfortable.

So here's something that you can do when you're not in crisis, when you're not in struggle, because the focus is more on creating a strong foundation. And it’s also something you can do if you are struggling as it will help create some intimacy and calm.