Setting boundaries always felt dangerous
Boundaries always felt dangerous.
Especially for a Recovering Nice Guy like me, in case a boundary led to a dreaded fight or, even worse, a permanent disconnection from another person, and dangerous to be on the receiving end of because surely that meant I was doing something wrong.
Setting boundaries, before the term was as popular and as well-used as it is today and possibly more so for Gen-Xers and earlier gens, didn’t come with much nuance. A boundary was monolithic and abrupt, shouty and possibly violent, and more of a last ditch thing.
The first time I set a boundary with a deeper understanding of what it was and how to do it, I was still, frankly, scared.
My partner at the time liked to end the day with a few glasses of wine.
Fine.
But often, a couple of hours into the evening she’d get mean. She’d start using insulting demeaning language, bringing up stuff I thought we’d resolved, needling me for a fight.
At first I’d take the bait and the evening would end on a shitty, bickering note. But I started to notice that it was the drink talking. And then I noticed that it was always the third glass that caused the change in the weather.
I was learning about boundaries - why they matter, how to find them, how to set them. I learned that a boundary doesn’t have to be a nuclear bomb, it’s a demarcation of what I need to feel safe, respected, and whole.
I realized that this was a place that needed one. It brought up my stuff:
‘Who am I to tell her to stop drinking?’
‘She works hard and it’s how she unwinds’
But I was discovering another layer of my own needs and what I needed to feel safe in a relationship, like being spoken to with respect.
I started working through the steps I was learning.
I got clear on what my boundary was and what it would give me.
I did the work to recognise that what I was asking for I was allowed to have.
Respect.
Naming it, letting it land, and really knowing it in my body.
It came the time to set it. Not in the evening when she was two glasses in, but earlier. I’d let her know that I wanted to talk to her about a relationship issue.
I. Was. Scared.
I was! But also clear.
“I’ve noticed that after your second glass of wine you say mean things to me and try to pick a fight.
If there’s any relationship stuff you want to talk about I’m here for it at any other time. But I’m not allowing myself to be talked at like that.
I’m not saying you can’t drink or that you can’t have more than two glasses, but if you’re pouring that third glass, I’m leaving the room and I’m not available for conversation for the rest of the night”.
20 seconds of insane courage, just like Matt Daman says in We Bought A Zoo (lovely film by the way).
She nodded. And that was it.
And in our (short) remaining time together, never poured a third glass when I was around.
There’s a power that comes with setting a boundary around something you’ve decided in your soul that you deserve. And there’s self-trust in setting a boundary when you have a clear, grounded, step-by-step process to follow.
That’s what I want to give you.
Join me for a 5-day Boundary Journey
Each day, you’ll get a short email with a 5-minute video and a simple prompt.
Nothing overwhelming, just one doable step at a time - designed to help you feel clear, calm, and confident in your boundaries.
By the end of the five days, you’ll be ready to set a boundary.
Maybe it’ll be big and life-defining.
Or maybe it’s small “my life would be 20% easier if this lil’ thing stopped happening” boundary.
It could be with your partner, your kid, a co-worker, a friend, a relative.
It’s up to you.
You’ll know what you need, how to honour it, and how to say it without blowing up your nervous system.