You know that thing you’re scared of talking about with your partner? 

The thing you’re worried will set them off? That could start a fight? Or break the relationship?

It’s the thing that’s between you and the relationship you want.

In my line of work we call these things ‘withholds’.

I'm just back from holiday - I took my daughter to the UK to visit family. It was a fabulous trip in many ways.

Carina and I have a regular morning routine of leaving voice messages on WhatsApp for each other every morning.

However, because of the 5-hour time difference and other variables around my time in the UK, what I didn’t do properly was put in place a plan for Carina and me to really feel connected while I was gone.

Today, let's talk about the magic of appreciation in relationships.

One of the things I’m most grateful for in my relationship is the habit of appreciation Carina and I have created. Feeling appreciated and expressing our gratitude feels lovely every single time.

One of the reasons resentments fester in relationships is when people feel unappreciated and unseen. 

There was a time when I may have been cynical about appreciations. I mean, how many times do I need to say thank you for something that’s happening every day, and going to happen whether I verbalize my appreciation or not?

Netflix’s car-crash dating show Love Is Blind provides such a rich insight into relationships. You don’t have to be watching the series to get what I’m talking about here, so read on.

This was a mic drop moment for me…

I read an Instagram post today and I got so annoyed.

This was one of two panels, and a caption that said, "His protective instincts are ignited the moment you meet."

Whenever I have a strong reaction to something, I know it's time to explore what's happening within me. It's an opportunity to unravel what may be a truth and what’s a personal trigger that's been pulled.

Now, I don't believe the poster is suggesting that "safe from harm" solely refers to physical and emotional abuse. Of course not! Safety in a relationship means an environment where both partners can be thoughtful and compassionate.

What annoyed me about this post is that it perpetuates the Disney fantasy of love at first sight.

He's 17. On Friday I dropped him off at university for his first year.

We spent most of the week prepping - creating lists, packing, shopping, packing, checking lists. It was stressful at times.

He's not the most organized person, I'm better than I was.

He's prone to procrastination and forgetting, and my dance was to maintain a gentle forward pressure without losing my temper. I shared my impatience and worry with him that he wouldn't be ready in time, in the way I know how that minimizes the other person experiencing blame.

The term ‘emotionally unavailable’ seems to have risen in visibility in the over the last 2-3 years. It certainly wasn’t familiar to me when I was in my mid-30s back in the mid-’00s.

What was familiar was a numbness that I experienced as a not-knowing, a fog, an absence of connection to myself.

I remember a friend asking me about my relationship, posing the question ‘what do you want?’ I couldn’t answer. I felt numb and confused, confronted by that simple question.

I wasn't actively taught to be emotionally unavailable.

My dad has a big laugh. He would unleash it watching something funny on TV. I remember lying in bed as a kid when my parents would have guests over, hearing it burst out in response to a joke or a quip (often one of his own).